Pyongyang – The death of The Shining Star of Paektu Mountain, Kim Jong Il, was officially announced Sunday evening. The Dear Leader’s Earth shell reportedly shut down after penning a speech he was due to deliver on Monday morning. After finishing his speech The Dear Leader Who Is a Perfect Incarnation of The Appearance That a Leader Should Have realized he had grown too powerful for this celestial plane and ascended into the heavens to the sound of a thousand golden dragons roaring. As The People’s General rose there was a gentle laugh as a million butterflies carried him to join his father Kim Il-sung in the Plane of Eternal Brilliance.
Shortly after the Peerless Leader had passed, his successor, the brilliantly named The Great Successor was announced to be Kim Jong Il’s youngest son Kim Jong Un. According to sources the three sons of His Glorious Gloriousness competed in the Trial By Stone to determine the rightful heir. Trial By Stone is the official DPRK inheritance ritual that traces it’s roots back to the 1982 film The Dark Crystal. Since his victory The Great Successor has been said to be working towards development of a much more hyperbolic title.
As of Monday morning the State mandated grieving was officially underway with every patriotic comrade being tasked to produce one ounce of tears per day through the month of December. Officials within the People’s Department of Ophthalmological Acuity hope the effort of the People will provide The Great Successor Kim Jong Un with sufficient bathing and drinking water through 2012.
When asked about the veracity of these statements a senior official with the American Embassy in Seoul was quoted as saying “What the fuck? No, the stunted bastard just had a heart attack. Right now we’re just hoping that the chubby 12-year-old taking over is at least sane. Though judging by his haircut it’s unlikely.”
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